Now then...
Today's post is going to be a little different.
One of my blogger friends Robyn, brought #LetsTalkAnxiety to my attention and in all honesty, I'm so glad she did, because I think it's an issue that is brushed aside far too often.
I think that I've had anxiety for an awful long time, years infact and it's only in the past couple of months that I've learnt to accept it, I truly believe that my anxiety has got better, it's still not great, but its better than it used to be.
I have found a lot of people don't even know what anxiety is, the definition of anxiety is:
"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome."Everyone at one point or another will have had a form of anxiety, it's human nature, whether you're nervous about talking to the girl/guy you have feelings for, or about a new job, or even if it comes down to how you feel about yourself - This is my story as such.
In all honesty, It's rare that I've felt that I've truly "fit in" - there's been a few rare occasions that I'm so incredibly greatful for and happy that I have now.
I've never felt like I've fit in, especially at school, a lot of people will probably agree with me when I say (as harsh as it may sound) there's always a handful of kids in every year, that everyone either finds a bit odd or people just take an instant dislike to. Unfortunately for me, I was one of them.
I was bullied pretty bad, maybe not as bad as others, but it left me with emotional scars that almost 10 years later I've only just come to terms with and until recently, made me lose sleep because I couldn't close my eyes without picturing certain horrible moments from my childhood. - Some just took an instant dislike to me, and for whatever reason, their friends followed in their footsteps soon after. - As much as I tried to be "normal" (but what is normal anyway?) I always ended tripping up and drawing attention to myself. Which often had bad consequences and the bullying got worse.
Even after seriously injuring myself in my first year of secondary school, something that was out of my control, I was teased, laughed at and mocked, because it was me, people found it almost hilarious. - Yet I always wonder, if it had been one of "the popular kids" as such, I could almost guarantee it would be a totally different story, I'm not going into what happened, but its left what could be a potentially permanent emotional scar.
A few people stuck up for me, but when there was just short of around 300 students in my year group, the bad comments outweighed the supportive ones and it was hard. - with dealing with the physical pain of my injuries, the emotional pain made it so much worse.
I already had problems before then with certain individuals, as I already mentioned, I never felt properly accepted until maybe towards the end of my fourth year of secondary school - when I found a group of friends that just seemed to get me. but even still, I've always panicked about what people think of me, I developed depression at one point and I've fought for attention in some ways and its not always worked out for me, especially socially, I've never been that great in social situations.
A lot of my friends now would probably say I come across as loud, confident and fun, which I'd say is 60% true, I'm a lot more confident now than I ever have been, but some of it is definitely a front, I feel like I've somewhat mastered putting on a different persona almost because I've always been afraid of being myself. - which is something that no person should EVER have to do. it's bloody awful.
Nowadays, I'm a lot better, I feel like I can be myself around certain people that I'm comfortable with, like my family, my close friends and certain acquaintances.
Others I can be calm and collected around but I may come across as quiet, all because inside, my head is going into overdrive because I'm afraid of being judged.
Unfortunately society nowadays is an awful place, there's judgement from every corner, good and bad and you can't really hide from it, but unfortunately, that's life, I'm learning to cope with it and like I said, I'm a lot better now than I have been, of course I have my down days but who doesn't?!
I'm greatful for campaigns like "This Girl Can" - which encourages women, no matter who you are, what shape, size or background to love yourself and not be afraid whilst exercising and being who you want to be, I'm greatful for my family and friends who have seen me at my worst and stuck by me when I needed it most. and most of all, I'm greatful for myself being able to at least attempt to push all my fears and worries aside, because I need to love myself more and accept myself. - how am I supposed to let other people accept me if I don't accept myself? I'm setting myself up for failure with this frame of mind, which is why I do my best to push negativity out of my life where possible.
I hope my story (as such) really brings to light how important it is to love yourself, for your own sake and for those who love you, I also hope it represents all them kids who at school like me, were the kid that no one really took to, and were bullied to the point where they everyday, felt like they didn't want to go into school. ever.
If I can leave it on a final summary it would be this, I appreciate some of these maybe easier said than done, but if we all did these, then we all have the potential to have a happier life!
Love yourself, no matter what.
It's hard but try not to worry what people think
It's hard but try not to worry what people think
Don't be afraid to talk about how you feel with someone you trust, it's better out than in!
You're doing a lot better than you think you are and nowadays confidence is key, I hope if you're currently struggling, then don't be afraid to speak out, it's more likely to do more good than bad.
Be sure to go and check out my friend Robyn's post on #LetsTalkAnxiety at Phases of Robyn - I'd appreciate it if you could share my post and spread the word on anxiety, its such an important issue and I hope that by me speaking out about my experiences, it could help someone and spread the awareness of depression and anxiety!
Until next time,
